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Submitted on
June 6, 2010
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Lithe white fingers twirl into messy black mane

And she swings up

Landing in a tangled cascade of lanky limbs and blonde hair

As the chocolate-brown horse beneath her dances on light hooves

A deep breath

And they're galloping through the sand with reckless abandon

The echoes of thunderous strides and her joyous laugh

Trailing out behind them like a bride's ethereal veil

And I raise a hand in an unseen farewell
Critique is always appreciated.

However, feedback on the wording and imagery of this piece would be especially appreciated.
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:iconmiss-peculiarity:
Miss-Peculiarity Featured By Owner Jun 15, 2010
:iconthewrittenrevolution:

"Trailing out behind them like a bride's ethereal veil"
I love that. Those two words together really pack a punch, especially since
they slant-rhyme.

Overall, I think you did a fine job with choice of words for this piece.
However, it took me two reads to fully feel the impact of its imagery
and a third to see the image(s) in my head.
Perhaps that's because I'm just not used to such a simple, spaced structure
such as this one. Which leads me to this: I rather enjoyed the structure.
It's something new, and fresh. Or, at least from what I've read in my lifetime.

Also: "Landing in a tangled cascade of lanky limbs and blonde hair" was especially, er, powerful, for lack of a better word. Once I read this a third time (I've been told the more you read a poem, the better it becomes, which is surely true in this case ;)) that line and this one:
And they're galloping through the sand with reckless abandon stood out to me like a three-dimensional image.

So I suppose you could scratch that initial comment on imagery. ^^;

Happy further writing!
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:iconblue-notebook:
Blue-Notebook Featured By Owner Jun 15, 2010
Thank you so much for your feedback, it really does make my day. More specifically, thank you for your thoughtfulness and your time spent :)
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:iconmiss-peculiarity:
Miss-Peculiarity Featured By Owner Jun 15, 2010
Well thank you for hearing me out. :)
Have a good one!
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:iconblue-notebook:
Blue-Notebook Featured By Owner Jun 15, 2010
You too!
Reply
:icontigertailzlc:
tigertailzlc Featured By Owner Jun 14, 2010
:iconthewrittenrevolution:

A horse poem!! YAY! :eager:

xD Sorry about that. Ahem -

First off, what you asked about – your wording/imagery is good. It's simple, granted, but in a good way – so many other pieces add in all kinds of sugary language and it just dilutes the story and makes it unnecessarily lengthy. I like your wording in that it's compact, and because of that, what you do say becomes that much more prominent, meaningful. I like how, at the beginning, you juxtaposed the "little white fingers" and "messy black mane".

Secondly, as an aside, what ~SH79 said – nice title. Tee-hee. It kind of sets the tone for the rest of the piece, gives the reader an idea of what they're about to read. Bareback – it implies wilderness, as well as a close human-equine connection.

Third, some other stuff I'd like to point out – first, it could just be me, but I think the last line of your poem switches from the third person to the first person a little too abruptly. It's a nice effect when the reader is suddenly made to switch viewpoints and see the girl and the horse through the eyes of someone saying goodbye – it also makes for a bittersweet ending, smashing the image of the happy girl and horse, and putting there instead a picture of a sad farewell – but maybe you could add another line in between, just a short one. A kind of half-halt warning before the transition, if you ride. :D

Last, no offense intended, but uh – I don't really get the meaning behind this piece. It could just be that I'm having one of many dumb moments, though. Is this piece but a story of a fleeting, unheard goodbye? Like letting go of a kid? Or is there a second meaning?

Overall, though, nice. Keep it up! 8D Sorry for ze wall of text...
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:icontigertailzlc:
tigertailzlc Featured By Owner Jun 14, 2010
Whoah, sorry. I misread "lithe" as "little". I should go to sleep ._.

Sorree!
Reply
:iconblue-notebook:
Blue-Notebook Featured By Owner Jun 14, 2010
Wow! Thank you so much for the wonderful feedback, it really makes my day.
I see what you mean about the abrupt transition at the end... guess I'm far too much of a western rider, doing rollbacks on a dime :)
I'll definitely see what I can do to try to make that more smooth.

As far as meaning: I'm afraid it isn't that deep... nothing more than a description really, of a moment in an afternoon spent with a friend. Although I do think there are undercurrents... but I let my readers figure those out :)
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:iconsh79:
SH79 Featured By Owner Jun 6, 2010
A.M.A.Z.I.N.G!
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:iconblue-notebook:
Blue-Notebook Featured By Owner Jun 6, 2010
I'm glad you like it!
Any aspects in particular that caught your eye?
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:iconsh79:
SH79 Featured By Owner Jun 6, 2010
The title =)
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