"Trailing out behind them like a bride's ethereal veil" I love that. Those two words together really pack a punch, especially since they slant-rhyme.
Overall, I think you did a fine job with choice of words for this piece. However, it took me two reads to fully feel the impact of its imagery and a third to see the image(s) in my head. Perhaps that's because I'm just not used to such a simple, spaced structure such as this one. Which leads me to this: I rather enjoyed the structure. It's something new, and fresh. Or, at least from what I've read in my lifetime.
Also: "Landing in a tangled cascade of lanky limbs and blonde hair" was especially, er, powerful, for lack of a better word. Once I read this a third time (I've been told the more you read a poem, the better it becomes, which is surely true in this case ) that line and this one: And they're galloping through the sand with reckless abandon stood out to me like a three-dimensional image.
So I suppose you could scratch that initial comment on imagery.
First off, what you asked about – your wording/imagery is good. It's simple, granted, but in a good way – so many other pieces add in all kinds of sugary language and it just dilutes the story and makes it unnecessarily lengthy. I like your wording in that it's compact, and because of that, what you do say becomes that much more prominent, meaningful. I like how, at the beginning, you juxtaposed the "little white fingers" and "messy black mane".
Secondly, as an aside, what ~SH79 said – nice title. Tee-hee. It kind of sets the tone for the rest of the piece, gives the reader an idea of what they're about to read. Bareback – it implies wilderness, as well as a close human-equine connection.
Third, some other stuff I'd like to point out – first, it could just be me, but I think the last line of your poem switches from the third person to the first person a little too abruptly. It's a nice effect when the reader is suddenly made to switch viewpoints and see the girl and the horse through the eyes of someone saying goodbye – it also makes for a bittersweet ending, smashing the image of the happy girl and horse, and putting there instead a picture of a sad farewell – but maybe you could add another line in between, just a short one. A kind of half-halt warning before the transition, if you ride.
Last, no offense intended, but uh – I don't really get the meaning behind this piece. It could just be that I'm having one of many dumb moments, though. Is this piece but a story of a fleeting, unheard goodbye? Like letting go of a kid? Or is there a second meaning?
Overall, though, nice. Keep it up! 8D Sorry for ze wall of text...
Wow! Thank you so much for the wonderful feedback, it really makes my day. I see what you mean about the abrupt transition at the end... guess I'm far too much of a western rider, doing rollbacks on a dime I'll definitely see what I can do to try to make that more smooth.
As far as meaning: I'm afraid it isn't that deep... nothing more than a description really, of a moment in an afternoon spent with a friend. Although I do think there are undercurrents... but I let my readers figure those out
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Bluefley has a gallery filled with artwork that whisks you off in to a Sci-fi daydream, and keeps you captivated for hours. Marc has been a member of our community for over a decade and has achieved nothing but success with his astounding commitment to interacting with the community, sharing a prolific amount of video tutorials and generally being an all round rockstar deviant. It is no joke that we are absolutely delighted to award the Deviousness Award for April 2014 to ... Read More