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Submitted on
June 6, 2010
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Lithe white fingers twirl into messy black mane

And she swings up

Landing in a tangled cascade of lanky limbs and blonde hair

As the chocolate-brown horse beneath her dances on light hooves

A deep breath

And they're galloping through the sand with reckless abandon

The echoes of thunderous strides and her joyous laugh

Trailing out behind them like a bride's ethereal veil

And I raise a hand in an unseen farewell
Critique is always appreciated.

However, feedback on the wording and imagery of this piece would be especially appreciated.
Add a Comment:
 
:iconmiss-peculiarity:
:iconthewrittenrevolution:

"Trailing out behind them like a bride's ethereal veil"
I love that. Those two words together really pack a punch, especially since
they slant-rhyme.

Overall, I think you did a fine job with choice of words for this piece.
However, it took me two reads to fully feel the impact of its imagery
and a third to see the image(s) in my head.
Perhaps that's because I'm just not used to such a simple, spaced structure
such as this one. Which leads me to this: I rather enjoyed the structure.
It's something new, and fresh. Or, at least from what I've read in my lifetime.

Also: "Landing in a tangled cascade of lanky limbs and blonde hair" was especially, er, powerful, for lack of a better word. Once I read this a third time (I've been told the more you read a poem, the better it becomes, which is surely true in this case ;)) that line and this one:
And they're galloping through the sand with reckless abandon stood out to me like a three-dimensional image.

So I suppose you could scratch that initial comment on imagery. ^^;

Happy further writing!
Reply
:iconblue-notebook:
Thank you so much for your feedback, it really does make my day. More specifically, thank you for your thoughtfulness and your time spent :)
Reply
:iconmiss-peculiarity:
Well thank you for hearing me out. :)
Have a good one!
Reply
:icontigertailzlc:
:iconthewrittenrevolution:

A horse poem!! YAY! :eager:

xD Sorry about that. Ahem -

First off, what you asked about – your wording/imagery is good. It's simple, granted, but in a good way – so many other pieces add in all kinds of sugary language and it just dilutes the story and makes it unnecessarily lengthy. I like your wording in that it's compact, and because of that, what you do say becomes that much more prominent, meaningful. I like how, at the beginning, you juxtaposed the "little white fingers" and "messy black mane".

Secondly, as an aside, what ~SH79 said – nice title. Tee-hee. It kind of sets the tone for the rest of the piece, gives the reader an idea of what they're about to read. Bareback – it implies wilderness, as well as a close human-equine connection.

Third, some other stuff I'd like to point out – first, it could just be me, but I think the last line of your poem switches from the third person to the first person a little too abruptly. It's a nice effect when the reader is suddenly made to switch viewpoints and see the girl and the horse through the eyes of someone saying goodbye – it also makes for a bittersweet ending, smashing the image of the happy girl and horse, and putting there instead a picture of a sad farewell – but maybe you could add another line in between, just a short one. A kind of half-halt warning before the transition, if you ride. :D

Last, no offense intended, but uh – I don't really get the meaning behind this piece. It could just be that I'm having one of many dumb moments, though. Is this piece but a story of a fleeting, unheard goodbye? Like letting go of a kid? Or is there a second meaning?

Overall, though, nice. Keep it up! 8D Sorry for ze wall of text...
Reply
:icontigertailzlc:
Whoah, sorry. I misread "lithe" as "little". I should go to sleep ._.

Sorree!
Reply
:iconblue-notebook:
Wow! Thank you so much for the wonderful feedback, it really makes my day.
I see what you mean about the abrupt transition at the end... guess I'm far too much of a western rider, doing rollbacks on a dime :)
I'll definitely see what I can do to try to make that more smooth.

As far as meaning: I'm afraid it isn't that deep... nothing more than a description really, of a moment in an afternoon spent with a friend. Although I do think there are undercurrents... but I let my readers figure those out :)
Reply
:iconsh79:
A.M.A.Z.I.N.G!
Reply
:iconblue-notebook:
I'm glad you like it!
Any aspects in particular that caught your eye?
Reply
:iconsh79:
The title =)
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